Lonely despite a partner? Ways to more connectedness

Do you feel lonely despite having a partner? Left alone in your partnership? Often disappointed? As if you're not close enough to your partner? As if there is no one you can turn to? You've adapted to a lot in this relationship and you're not sure if that's a good idea? And even if you don't actually argue with your partner, this is a sign that something is going wrong in your relationship. The emotional connection to your partner is no longer there.

Lonely despite a partner - even dangerous for your health

Perhaps you have developed the feeling that you are not really entitled to have needs and complaints. Research has shown that these feelings of loneliness make relationships vulnerable to affairs and also increase the likelihood of becoming ill, especially for men. So this is a warning sign that you shouldn't ignore.

How you can cope with feelings of loneliness

There are various approaches to dealing with these feelings of loneliness. Firstly, it is important not to ignore them. Make space for them inside you, recognise that you have this feeling. It's important to talk about this with your partner. Use a gentle start to the conversation so that your partner doesn't feel criticised and attacked and become defensive.

Ways to more connection

There are various steps that can help to create more connectedness step by step. This article refers to the results of the Gottman's, who have accompanied and researched couple relationships over a long period of time. Two things are particularly relevant when the emotional connection has been lost.

1. Small things often

Some partners who previously had a lot of fun together, for example, suddenly feel like they're only living with a flatmate after the birth of their children, or rather side by side, both exhausted, both confronted with constant demands, but somehow not together. Yet they are actually in the same boat. Frequent (small) interactions with each other can influence the feeling of being a team and connected.

Get in touch with your partner: through "bids" for connection

There are bids for connection that are often shown that you should respond to in an affectionate way that can strengthen the alliance with your partner. These bids are verbal or non-verbal attempts that a person makes to connect with their partner. They can be small or large, and can take the form of an expression, a question or physical contact. These bids can be quite simple and insignificant at first glance. For example, "a really nice day today" or a sigh.

Respond to the other person properly

Research has shown that there are three ways in which partners can respond to these bids. Firstly: with turning towards the partner, secondly: with turning away from the partner and thirdly: with turning against the partner. It has also been shown that happy couples in healthy relationships regularly create such bids and turn towards each other. If partners turn away or even turn against each other, this is (unsurprisingly) linked to mutual criticism and increasing frustration. A pattern was also found in which female partners tend to criticise their partners if those have not previously responded to the bids created by their partner.

Here are two examples of such bids and the possible reactions to them:

"Do we still have eggs in the fridge?"

Turning towards: Shrug of the shoulders, "I don't know, why don't you have a look? Are you planning to bake?"

Turning against: shrugging shoulders, criticising tone: "I don't know, just have a look for yourself"

sighs

Turning towards: also sighs, in an understanding, compassionate way that makes the partner smile

Turning away: no reaction

Asking about how full your fridge is can also be a way of turning to your partner and connecting with her. So create small bids or connection every day and respond to your partner's bids (and not with an attack). Respond to topics brought up, show interest and listen carefully, make eye contact and look for non-verbal attempts to connect.

2. Shared routines

Another important step is to create new routines together: arrange to have a regular chat with your partner in the evening and use half an hour to talk to them about how your day went (or whatever you want to talk about). If you don't have the time, you can also suggest a shared routine that involves doing certain tasks together. For example, you could put the children to bed together first and then tidy up together afterwards.You can share your thoughts while tidying up. Similarly, preparing dinner could be a shared time when your children can watch TV and you can have a relatively undisturbed conversation.

A ritual like this can be something you can look forward to. When (emotional) baggage accumulates, you know there is a time when you can talk to your partner about it. It's a way to connect with your partner in a way that is meaningful to you and your partner. In other words, a way that can lead to greater relationship satisfaction in the long term.

You can also ask yourself what certain everyday or annual routines should look like, such as saying goodbye in the morning, getting together again in the evening, eating together, weekends, holidays, public holidays, .... For which of these events is it important to you to have a routine? Why?

If you are interested in other articles on the topic of enhancing relationships, please take a look at my blog . What do you think of the idea of integrating joint routines with your partner into your everyday life? Or perhaps you already have some that work particularly well? That connect you with your partner? Feel free to share them in the comments.