Today I would like to use the ABC model to show how thoughts, feelings and behaviour are connected in dating situations. And where the methods of Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be applied. However, the model itself is not situation-specific. You can therefore also apply it to other situations that are difficult for you and continue reading even if you are not currently looking for a partner. The ABC model looks like this:
A - external events: This can be various situations that trigger difficult thoughts and feelings. Example dating situation: If you find the other person exciting and would like to have more contact, you would be an exception if this were not a challenging situation for you in some way. For example, if you have more of a anxious attachment type a situation like this can very easily give rise to difficult, (self-)critical thoughts.
B - beliefs: These difficult situations trigger difficult evaluations in the form of thoughts. In our example, very different thoughts can arise. For example, from the category of self-criticism or insecurity: "If she knew what I was REALLY like, she would never be able to like me" or "Do I come across as easy-going or too relaxed?". Or if you've been looking for a partner for a while: "She looks so bored, it won't work out anyway" or "I'm just not good enough". Or simply "if he turns me down, it will be painful".
C - Consequences. Feelings arise from these thoughts. So if you allow yourself to get hooked up by your self-critical thoughts, a feeling of insecurity and tension arises. Or if you allow your belief that you will never be able to find someone to hook you up this results in a feeling of hopelessness and perhaps only superficial interest in the other person. The pain of possible rejection triggers fear.
So if you get caught up in your thoughts on the one hand and fight against unpleasant feelings on the other, you will probably experience this dating situation as highly unpleasant. Assuming you want to "get control" over the feeling of tension or can't bear the feeling of insecurity, you may behave overconfidently and extra calmly as a consequence. Or you may be distant for fear of getting too close to him and hurting yourself if he loses interest. Depending on how you react to your thoughts and feelings, your attitude and behaviour towards yourself and your date will change accordingly.
The ABC model can also be extended to include D. D for disputation - in classic behavioural therapy approaches, you then enter into a dispute with these thoughts - weigh up whether they are actually true, whether there are alternative explanations for the other person's behaviour, whether you are not coming across as quite relaxed, etc. You can do this, but it consumes an incredible amount of energy and attention.
In terms of ACT, you do not enter into a dispute with difficult thoughts. Instead, there are two points in this model that can be addressed in a different way. The first point also relates to the evaluation, the thoughts. Firstly, it is important to recognise and acknowledge evaluations and thoughts as such. This is because they often happen unconsciously. Instead of entering into a dispute with them, you can first accept that they have arisen, but do not get fully involved in these thoughts. Instead, you create distance to them. And of course this has to be learnt and practised. This is where I can help you.
The second place to start is with the difficult feelings that tempt you to do things you don't really want to do. If you manage to overcome the insecurity within you by dropping the struggle with it, instead of fighting against it, you can be the way you actually want to be. It is often helpful to see that certain feelings or sensations are present and to associate them with a small reminder not to fall into typical behavioural patterns. So instead of distancing yourself and appearing particularly calm, you can focus your attention entirely on the present moment and on the other person. This leads to a different attitude towards yourself and your date.
What situations are there in your life that trigger difficult thoughts and feelings? Did you already realise the connection between situations, thoughts and feelings? Let me know in the comments!