Many people lack assertiveness and are either passive or aggressive when it comes to fulfilling their needs. Read more about this topic and the 6 elements you can use to strengthen your assertiveness here.

 

Are you passive, aggressive or assertive?

 

Passivity means that you put the needs of others above your own. You neglect your own needs and instead of standing up for yourself, you allow others to walk over you. This has a negative impact on your health and well-being.

Aggressiveness, on the other hand, means that you stand up for yourself and fulfil your needs in a way that is disrespectful and inconsiderate of others. You don't care about the feelings, rights or needs of others; you only care about getting your own way.

 

Assertiveness

 

Assertiveness is fundamentally different from both passivity and aggression. It means standing up for yourself and getting your needs met in a way that is fair and considerate to yourself and others. When you are assertive, you respect your own rights, but also the rights of others.

Assertiveness can help you to live your life in a value-led way and to prioritise the things that really matter to you without exceeding your own capacities. Some of my clients suffer from many obligations that they (supposedly) have to fulfil. They find it difficult not to comply with a colleague's request to take on an additional task, even though their own is already barely feasible. Or not to bake the cake for the childcare centre party. The good news is that assertiveness can and should be trained and learnt.

 

The 6 elements of assertiveness

 

Knowing your rights

Fundamentally, of course, you need to know your rights in order to stand up for them. It's okay to stand up for your own rights, provided that you respect the rights of others who have the same rights as you. If you are unsure what your rights are, you can receive an an e-mail with your declaration of rights .

Making requests

It is also essential that you are able to recognise and formulate your concerns and then express them. Depending on how practised you are at this, this can bring up difficult thoughts and feelings within you. For example: are you particularly focussed on the needs of your children but lose sight of yourself? Depending on the age of your children, you can discuss with them that you would like to do certain things differently in future so that your needs can be better met.

Reject requests

If you find yourself saying yes to a lot of things and often regret your commitment the very next moment, this is definitely an element of assertiveness that you should strengthen. There are often painful thoughts and feelings at play here too. Perhaps there is a fear of disappointing others or even a fear of no longer being valuable if you don't always generously support everything and everyone. A tip if you find yourself automatically saying yes: Buy yourself time. Don't say no to requests straight away, but say, for example, that you need to check your calendar first and will get back by email.

Give honest feedback

To show assertiveness, you should be able to give honest feedback. The way in which you formulate and express your feedback is important here. You don't want to give destructive criticism in the form of general judgements or criticism of the other person's character, but rather specifically address certain actions or processes. Talk about yourself instead of the other person. Your feelings and needs are a good starting point for this.

Expressing honest opinions and feelings

Expressing your opinion and feelings honestly means showing yourself to a certain extent. It is not absolutely necessary to do this in every context, but it is particularly valuable if you want the other person to really understand you. Here, too, you need to do this in a respectful way. You also need to be able to make peace with the fact that others judge your opinion. It makes sense to weigh up under which circumstances this is beneficial for you and to what extent, and under which circumstances it is not.

Setting your boundaries

Setting boundaries relates to how you spend your time and energy, what you do with your body and how you allow others to treat you. When you set clear boundaries, you protect yourself, your health and well-being, and prevent others from manipulating or taking advantage of you. Setting healthy boundaries (in a way that is conducive to good relationships) requires both making and rejecting requests, and it is often helpful to express your own feelings and opinions to be more easily understood.

So these are the 6 elements of assertiveness. What about your own assertiveness? I would be happy to accompany you if you would like to strengthen it and would like support in doing so. You can contact me here, or have a look at my counselling offer here.