Would you like to show more empathy, but don't really know how? Showing empathy to others is valuable. It shows that you are a human, feeling being and that you care about others. It strengthens the connection between you and others. The other person realises that they can open up to you without being judged. You create more closeness and trust when you show empathy.
This is particularly critical in couple relationships and an important basis for dealing better with problems within the relationship that cannot be resolved. However, every friendship and healthy family relationship also benefits from empathy. But enough of the empathy advertising drum - first of all, I would like to shed some light on what empathy actually is.
Empathy: what is it actually?
Empathy means the ability and willingness to recognise, understand and empathise with the feelings, emotions, thoughts, motives and personality traits of another person.
This definition makes it clear that empathy is a skill, meaning that it can be trained. How empathetic we are from the ground up often has a lot to do with how we grew up. Were we encouraged to feel and express our own emotions at home? Were we shown empathy ourselves? Or were emotions often swept under the carpet as inappropriate? Were our parents perhaps overwhelmed with their own emotions most of the time? Of course, all of this influences the extent to which our ability to empathise is developed.
5 tips on how you can show empathy
If you want to develop your own empathy skills, I have put together five tips that can help you show empathy.
Feeling emotions and naming them
If you want to empathise with others to the point where you actually feel with them, you first need to be able to feel and name your own feelings. So if you often don't know what's going on in yourself and why, it makes it more difficult to empathise with others. But this is also something that can be developed.
Listen
Have the basic assumption that you do not know what is going on in the other person's mind and that you will now learn something new about the other person (and how to look at things). Even and especially if you have experienced something similar before and therefore think you know what the other person is feeling, you should abandon this attitude. Because people are different and the same external circumstances can trigger completely different reactions in each of us.
Ask questions
Ask questions to get a deeper understanding, e.g. "What do you mean when you talk about xy?" Or you can't understand why the other person reacts the way they do? Then keep asking with genuine interest until this is the case. "What makes it so bad for you if xy...?"
Sum up what you understand and notice
From time to time, repeat in your own words what you have understood. Try to summarise what the person has said. If the description of things remains on a very factual level, but you realise that there might be something unspoken, you can also express what feelings or needs you think you perceive in the other person. "It sounds like xy is making you very sad?" You shouldn't be afraid of mislabelling feelings, because even if your words don't accurately reflect the other person's experience, this can help you both find the right words. However, you shouldn't make wild speculations and pick things out of the air just because you can't think of anything else.
Validate
Validate what the other person says, for example with "I can very well understand that you feel that way. It would make me sad too." So your message is something like - it's okay that you feel this way, your reaction is appropriate, I can understand it. Of course, you can also or additionally show empathy instead of saying it. Stroking the other person's back, a hug or a sad facial expression can also signal that you sympathise and understand.
Conclusion
Showing empathy does not mean feeling sorry for others, denying or minimising their reactions or even condemning them. It is much more about having an open ear, a heart and an honest interest. If you have difficulties recognising and naming your own feelings, this can also be something that can be addressed as part of a counselling process gefördert werden kann. Or you'd like your empathie skills? You are more than welcome to contact me. If you are also interested in neuropsychological research on the subject of empathy, you'll probably find this article interesting.