A moment ago you were in a happy relationship, but since you are no longer the two of you, the conflicts are piling up? And no matter what you try, and how often you resolve to do better from now on, you always fall back into old patterns? Can't find a solution? Maybe you even doubt whether your partner is still the right one for you?
Your relationship is under stress - this can have various reasons, but often leads to a decrease in relationship satisfaction. In the following article, you will learn what distinguishes happy couples from unhappy couples, and what role children or other (less sweet) challenges play in this. I will also show you what steps you can take to improve your relationship.
What differentiates happy couples from unhappy couples
It's pretty simple: research has shown that couples in happy relationships, unlike couples in unhappy relationships, have a good time together. This means that they turn towards each other in everyday life (instead of turning away from or against each other), integrate play, fun and humour into their daily routine, give space to small adventures, and make time for romance and sex. And this is exactly the crux of the matter. Because in a day full of to-dos and never-ending demands, these are often the things that fall by the wayside.
In other words, happy couples make all these things a priority in their daily lives, while unhappy couples do not. Not an easy task. And it's not just the situation with children, many other things can put a strain on your relationship. Professional life, illness, hobbies or other time-consuming and organisationally demanding factors can have such an effect. If several of these stresses come together, a decline in relationship satisfaction is virtually pre-programmed.
Often, patterns of behaviour and interaction that are not conducive to relationship satisfaction become habitual before they can be identified as harmful. And if you are particularly stressed, it often takes even longer to consciously notice the dissatisfaction in the relationship. If you are reading this article, you have probably reached such a point, and that is good. Attention is always the very first factor that needs to be present in order to bring about change.
Running a successful relationship is like running a marathon - it requires sustained and constant time, attention and care. And if your relationship has been strained for a while, it is impossible to switch to a completely different mode right away. Instead, you can make small changes step by step. The foundation of your relationship is the friendship between you and your partner, so let's have a look at that first.
First step for turning the tide: Improve your friendship
If you and your partner lack friendship, this is the first place to start to improve your relationship. When we spend time with good friends, we are usually relaxed, interested in each other, can laugh together, we know each other well and are familiar with each other. So it's no wonder that a good friendship base in couple relationships has been shown to strengthen relationship stability. A good friendship also increases interest in sex within the relationship. Two good reasons to invest in your friendship with your partner.
Know your partner
At the beginning of your relationship, there is a high probability that there is also a good friendship. You have just met your partner, you exchange a lot, you are interested in each other and turned towards each other. And that is precisely an important prerequisite for a friendly basis: knowing your own partner.
And of course your partner and your relationship are always evolving. So your partner's worries, history, joys, preferences, ... are always changing, just like your own. How can you stay on the ball? Quite simply: by asking your partner questions! Questions with an open end, which cannot be answered with yes or no.
For example, you can ask your partner what she is currently thinking about, what hurdles she has to overcome in the near future, what's her favorit music at the moment. Or you can ask your partner what he is afraid of. There are no limits to your creativity. So create space for your partner's history, preferences and needs as well as for the relationship and its history itself. Besides this, there is another point that strengthens friendship:
Ally with your partner
What do Lady & the Tramp and Bonny & Clyde have in common? They are in cahoots. And that is something that gives couples long-term stability. And it prevents couples who have already overcome unhappy relationship phases from falling off the wagon again. Fortunately, you don't have to be a pair of destructive criminals to be in cahoots as a couple.
Rather, it is about standing together against stress coming from outside. And that is by listening to your partner and not turning against her /him. If your partner tells you how stressful his colleague was today, or your partner tells you about the nasty criticism from her /his boss, it would be counterproductive to say, "yes, but you are also really totally messy, your boss is right". No, you would more or less be allying yourself with the stressor and turning against your partner. You should rather stand by your partner.
How can that look? Maybe you think your partner is really messy. Don't worry, you don't have to lie to be honest with your partner. It would certainly be difficult for you to say "What, you, messy? She's crazy!". Rather, you should show empathy for how your partner feels when she hears such criticism from her boss. "It's really a shot below the belt for your boss to talk to you like that", or "That really gets you down, I can understand that". Give affection and comfort literally or physically, for example, you can give your partner a hug or words of care.
Conclusion
Strengthening your friendship is an important first step to bring more satisfaction into your relationship. You can do this by creating mental space for your partner and by choosing his/her side in dealing with external stress. In following articles I will write about other steps that are important to bring more satisfaction into your strained relationship.
I can also help you with my counselling services. You can contact me about this here . Do you have any questions or suggestions? Then feel free to contact me here . I look forward to hearing from you.