If you often feel like you're constantly conforming to please others, you might be a people pleaser. It's perfectly normal and fine to care about the opinions and well-being of others and to try to feel comfortable in our social interactions. However, there is a difference between the desire to be flexible and supportive of others and the excessive need to please everyone.

 

What is people-pleasing?

 

People-pleasing refers to the excessive desire to please others in order to gain their acceptance, approval or recognition. A people-pleaser is often more interested in fulfilling the needs of others than in fulfilling their own needs and desires. This can become a major problem when people-pleasing is displayed to an unhealthy degree.

 

How you can recognise unhealthy people leasing

 

The following signs could indicate that you are exhibiting people-pleasing to an unhealthy degree:

• You have difficulty saying "no" to requests or demands from others, even if this would be in your own interest
• You show a tendency to put other people's needs and desires above your own, often to the point of neglecting your own well-being and feeling completely exhausted
• You are afraid of conflict or criticism, which leads you to avoid expressing your true thoughts and feelings
• You have an excessive need for validation and recognition from others, often seeking external validation to feel worthy or valuable

 

Why do some people show people leasing?

 

There are various reasons why people can be people-pleasers. Learning experiences through the social environment, family and cultural influences can leave their mark: If you grew up in a family, school or work environment where you were taught that you would only be loved or recognised if you were well-behaved, hard-working or helpful, you may develop the belief that you are only likeable through people-pleasing. Trauma can also trigger people-pleasing and establish it as a defence against possible violence or other painful experiences.

 

What you can do

 

If you think you're exhibiting unhealthy people-pleasing, there are some steps you can take:

 

1. Learn how to be Assertiveness. Know your rights. Reflect on your needs: Take time to think about what you really want and need. Learn to say "no" when you don't want to or can't. And set boundaries: Determine what you are willing to do and what you are not. If you set boundaries, you will learn to respect your needs and will be respected by others.

2. Practise self-care: Take time to look after yourself. Do things that bring you joy and help you to relax, such as yoga, walking or reading. Above all, learn to adopt an attitude of care and love towards yourself.

3. Seek support: It is often not easy to take the previous two steps on your own if a pattern of people-pleasing and feeling worthless has been entrenched for years. A therapist or counsellor can help you to get an outside perspective and guide you through important steps so that you can learn to take better care of yourself and your well-being.

    

Summary

 

Unhealthy people-pleasing is characterised by neglecting one's own needs in order to please others, to an extent that impairs one's own well-being. People-pleasers are often afraid of rejection, find it difficult to say "no" and invest a lot of time and energy in relationships, even if they are not good for them.

There are many reasons why people exhibit people-pleasing, often learning experiences play a role, and the need to be "right" or safe. However, there are steps that can be taken, such as learning to better deal with feelings of worthlessness, developing a loving attitude towards oneself and learning assertiveness. This often requires professional support. As a psychologist, I am happy to support you online. Contact me now here unbindingly.