Do you find it difficult to open up to others and show what feels like a weakness? To expose where you are vulnerable? Do you prefer to make sure you do everything right? Do you prefer to keep potential friends or partners at a distance? Then this article is for you.
Firstly, I want to explain what I mean when I talk about perfectionism, vulnerability and connection, drawing on the leading scientist and psychologist in this field Brené Brown .
Perfectionism
Brené Brown describes perfectionism as a thought construct, which essentially says: If I do everything perfectly and look perfect, I can avoid unpleasant feelings such as guilt, judgement and shame. Perfectionism is inherently reinforcing in a psychological sense: whenever you feel guilt, judgement or shame, you think it's because you haven't done something right, which results in a desire to do it perfectly next time. Another effect is the conviction of being guilty of these feelings yourself because you're not good enough .
Perfectionism must be distinguished from the inner striving to achieve very good outcomes. You can feel the inner urge to want to be very successful. This has nothing to do with perfectionism as long as the reasons for this striving do not lie in compensating for your own supposed weaknesses. Or as Brown puts it:
„Perfectionism is armor. It’s not internally driven like healthy striving. It’s externally driven and fueled by „What will people think?““
Vulnerability
Showing your own vulnerability means opening up. When you open up, you show others who and how you really are, not just your façade. And in doing so, you run the risk of being hurt. Vulnerability is not the same as weakness. Interestingly, most people perceive vulnerability as weakness when it comes to showing their own vulnerability. But when they see others showing their vulnerability, they usually find it courageous. Brown goes so far as to say that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage. Be sure to check out her Ted-Talk about the topic of shame.
Connection
Feeling connected to others is the reason we are here. We are neurobiologically designed to be connected with others. Connection and vulnerability belong together - because connection requires openness, and openness in turn makes us vulnerable. Openness can create connection because it allows us to get to know others better. Connection and openness can promote mutual understanding by recognising that the other person may have similar problems. Connection makes you feel seen by someone else. And connection requires authenticity: the willingness to let go of who you want to be in order to be who you are.
How perfectionism, vulnerability and connection are interlinked
When we open up and show ourselves vulnerably, a deep connection can develop. When we show ourselves openly, we show who we really are. And this is where perfectionism plays an essential role: it prevents us from showing ourselves. As Brené Brown puts it:
„Perfectionism is a twenty ton shield that keeps us from being seen.“
So it's often the fear deep inside you of not being worthy of connecting with someone that stops you from connecting. According to Brown's research, there is only one major difference between people who feel love and belonging and those who don't: it's their own belief that they are worthy of love and belonging.
These people show a few other characteristics: They have courage: the origin of the English word courage comes from the Latin "cor", which means to wholeheartedly tell the story of who you are. They also have compassion, for themselves and for others. They make authentic connections and show themselves vulnerable: they know that what makes them beautiful is the same thing that makes them vulnerable. They don't see their own vulnerability as something that feels beautiful or terrible, rather a necessity: for example, saying "I love you" first, or doing other things even though there are no guarantees. Be sure to check out Brené Brown's Ted Talk on the topic of vulnerability .
What are your thoughts on perfectionism, vulnerability and connection? Where have showing yourself vulnerable? Where do you perhaps want to do it more, to take the step forward, even though it doesn't feel good at first? I can gladly support you on your path to more openness. Here you can learn more about my offer.