Are you struggling to get back to work after a full weekend? And you keep putting off starting work while your guilty conscience increasingly torments you? Or after a busy week, you actually have nice plans for the weekend, but instead of realising them, you stay in bed exhausted, watch Netflix and feel guilty? Your professional performance doesn't suffer, but your self-image does? Do you always have a guilty conscience? If this sounds familiar, then you're not alone. Let's take a look at what's happening here on a psychological level - and, above all, how you can come to terms with yourself again.
Always a guilty conscience: What happens on a psychological level
The roots: overload and unmet needs
If we look back a few days, we can see the causes of your exhaustion. Maybe your weekend was packed with social engagements when you actually needed some rest. If you're more of an introvert, too much social interaction can be exhausting. You may also have had a particularly stressful week at work with overtime or a business trip. Quiet meals and exercise have had to give way to a busy schedule - and with it, the basic needs of your body and mind.
Expectations often play a major role in such scenarios. You didn't want to disappoint anyone - neither your family, friends or colleagues - or even upset them, and you put yourself last. This leads to exhaustion, which in turn can make it difficult to look after your own well-being. We can view self-regulation as a limited resource (Baumeister et al., 1998), which can of course be replenished. And yet, once you are tired and exhausted, you are more likely to reach for short-term rewards: Series, snacks or another nap.
Our ideal concepts lead to friction
Then the carousel of thoughts starts: ‘Why am I so exhausted?’, ‘I should use my free time more productively’, ‘Now I don't need to start anymore’ or even ‘Now I don't deserve to do anything good for myself’. These thoughts trigger further feelings such as guilt, shame or frustration. So now we have feelings on top of feelings. The emotional chaos grows, the overwhelm increases - and eventually you just lie there.
What happens if we always have a guilty conscience?
Constant guilt can affect our mental and physical well-being. Studies show that chronic self-blame is associated with an increased risk of depressive episodes, especially when the self-blame relates to our person rather than our behaviour (Tangney, Stuewig & Mashek, 2007).
How you can get out of the guilt spiral
1. search for the cause
If you feel a pang of guilt, exhaustion or tiredness over the next few days, pause for a moment. You can do this in different ways.
One option is to approach the matter intellectually: Reflect about how you're feeling right now, what's on your mind, and ask yourself what happened before. Find a format that suits you (classic paper & pencil / a Word document on your laptop / voice memo to yourself) and take your time. Maybe you can recognise patterns or connections? Maybe from this perspective you'll see that it's not surprising that you're exhausted?
Another valuable approach is to engage with yourself on an emotional level. In other words, to feel and listen to yourself and explore whatever you find. Many of my clients fear that their feelings will become even stronger if they deal with them. This can happen at first if they have been avoided for a long time.
2. acceptance
The greatest gift you can give yourself is to allow yourself to feel however you feel right now. Ask yourself: What would be different if I could accept my sensations?
If you can really allow yourself to feel how you feel, the opposite of what you are afraid of can happen. Instead of seeming bigger and insurmountable, your feelings might become clearer and create less inner friction. And most importantly, feelings about feelings don't arise (e.g.‘I feel guilty for resting when I'm exhausted.')
And maybe your guilt has something to tell you that is actually helpful? Maybe you've said or done things that you actually regret? Maybe you feel a sense of guilt towards yourself because you haven't respected yourself well? This is important information that you can take into account for the future.
3. even more acceptance
Some people find it difficult to find their own causes. Although they know rationally that feelings of guilt are groundless, they still feel them. There can be many different reasons for this. The moment we say: ‘But I don't need to feel guilty’, we are in a way also denying ourselves the right to feel this way. ‘Need’ can quickly become “should”.
Has anyone ever said to you during an argument: ‘But you don't need to be sad’? Did that help you to overcome your sadness? Or did it add guilt, shame or anger on top? How often do we tell our children that they don't have to be sad when - let's say - the lollipop falls in the dirt? Because we don't want to hold any more space for demanding emotions when our inner desk is overflowing anyway? In your childhood, you probably lived in a cultural and social construct in which you were not particularly encouraged to feel your feelings - and in which one thing was important in many contexts: performance.
4. sharpen your perception for critical thoughts
If you always have a guilty conscience, take a look at the thoughts your head puts in front of you. It is primarily there to protect you and prepare you for problems, but it can easily cross the threshold and put things in front of you that are no longer helpful. How much time you spend on these thoughts and whether you consider them helpful, important and relevant is within your control.
5. Developing practical solutions
Do you recognise recurring patterns? Is there helpful information in your feelings and are there perhaps things that you would like to do (differently) or not do in future? Then specifically develop new strategies. Perhaps this means setting clear boundaries or discussing your expectations with friends. Or you can plan specific times to recharge your batteries without questioning them. Small changes are often more sustainable than radical changes. So take one small step at a time and be patient with yourself.
Conclusion: You are not alone.
A guilty conscience accompanies many people - especially those with high expectations of themselves. But you can learn to deal with it better. If you long for inner freedom and would like to take a closer look at perfectionism, your feelings, your self-esteem or the topic of setting boundaries, I invite you to book a free 25-minute introductory meeting with me. Together we will look at what concrete next steps can help you to break out of burdensome patterns, develop a better feeling for yourself and take the pressure off you.
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