Do you sometimes feel down and lacking in drive - and at the same time place high demands on yourself? Perhaps this perfectionism has been with you your whole life? Then it could be that it plays a role in your depressive symptoms. In the following article, you will find out how perfectionism and depression can be linked, what may be behind it and also what you can do if you are confronted with this combination and want to take the constant pressure off you.
Perfectionism ≠ Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be both friend and foe, as it can help you to perform very well at work or sport or to build an ideal everyday life. However, perfectionism can have different drivers and therefore differ in its function. An important point when it comes to perfectionism and depression is anxiety. The crucial question is: Are perfectionist aspirations and actions a way for you to prove your worth and escape fears and insecurities (e.g. of rejection)? Or do you simply want a really good result?
It would be an illusion to believe that this differentiation opens up two pigeonholes in which everyone can find their unique place. Perhaps you might find a tendency when you think about this question. However, the most valuable thing is to ask yourself on a small scale - am I doing this to avoid fear/insecurity or because I feel like it?
How perfectionism and depression can promote each other
I'm only human...
Human nature is imperfect - and that's what makes us who we are. When expectations are high and life happens (a love break-up, more work to do than can be managed, suddenly no more work, a decision ...), disappointment, self-criticism and anxiety are inevitable. Especially when particularly good performance serves as the sole basis for self-esteem, you can quickly fall into a vicious circle. If you don't live up to your own standards, you feel bad and try even harder to perform well. This can quickly lead to exhaustion. And this makes it difficult to perform really well - with the result that your self-esteem suffers. And that can contribute to depression.
Zombie of your insecurity?
When fear and insecurity determine your actions, perfectionism can become a trap and also increase depressive symptoms.
An example: Imagine how, in response to a difficult work task (which you naturally want to do really well), you keep putting off starting. This feels good for the moment because you escape the uncertainty and fear of not doing it well. In the long term, however, more and more pressure builds up and you feel increasingly guilty - you don't feel at peace with yourself. Oscillating between avoidance and harsh self-criticism, your self-esteem suffers. You put off completing the task until the last minute and are completely exhausted afterwards. Your mind blames you for putting it off for so long again.
How to get out of the vicious circle
3 pointers to recognize & explore
Observe yourself over the next three days: when and where does your perfectionism play a role in your everyday life that makes your life less worth living? That you don't tackle important things? Here are a few ideas:
• Procrastination: Is there perhaps a challenging task at work that you keep putting off? Then every moment in which you think about completing the task but then don't do it or abandon it is full of valuable information. What is happening inside you? What is your mind telling you? And more importantly, what is going on in your body?
• Indecisiveness: Are there situations in which you have problems making decisions? These can be big or small - whether it's choosing what to wear for the day, what food to eat in a restaurant or deciding where to live or what job to do. Here too, you can explore: What happens to you or within you when you find yourself in decision-making situations?
• Rumination and worrying: Do you spend a lot of time in your head, in your thoughts? Do you doubt past decisions or think through problems? The same applies here. If you find yourself in ”Why...?” or ”What if...?” thoughts, take a look here too - what am I actually feeling right now? What emotions or sensations are showing right now?
Just do it (thanks for that, Nike)
If you want to move away from avoidance behavior, it is therefore important to be able to expose yourself to the fear and insecurity that you are currently confronting with perfectionism. What does that mean in concrete terms? Make space for fear and insecurity within yourself and still do what is important.
Facing discomfort with curiosity?
We can see the ability to feel unpleasantness as a muscle that we can train. If you want to practise letting fear and insecurity guide you less, then practise exactly that.
It makes sense to start small here. For example, you can start by only proofreading emails once instead of ten times before you send them out. You could also blindly point to a dish on the menu and order it or deliberately give yourself less time than usual to make a decision. You could wear something you don't usually wear without looking at yourself in the mirror and leave the house. Or you could take small risks, such as throw-flipping the pancake in the pan (if that's not a skill you've already mastered). Let your creativity run wild and see how that feels for you.
With these little experiments, you can increase your readiness for the unpleasant (and maybe even have a little fun). Ultimately, of course, it's about doing the things that matter to you.
The devil on your shoulder
Your mind probably has some version of “not good enough...” about you. Our minds want to protect us from disappointment, prepare us for danger, make sure that we contribute enough and “fit” into our group, that we are valuable - this is what ensured our survival in earlier times. In the reality of our lives today, it is precisely these efforts to prove ourselves as particularly valuable, perhaps even to ourselves, that lead to exhaustion and depressive symptoms.
Doing what matters
If you realize that your perfectionism is doing you more harm than good, it can be helpful to seek psychological support to find a healthier way of dealing with it. In my psychological counseling, I can help you to learn a new way of dealing with difficult feelings, develop new perspectives and find ways to do what really matters to you. Here you can inform yourself about my offer.
Sources
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735821000258
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005796718301785