Everyday situations such as relationship conflicts can trigger a stress response. If a conflict with your partner is interpreted as a threat, the fight/flight response quickly emerges. We have our evolutionary development to thank for this. When encountering a sabre-toothed tiger, our ancestors had two options: (1) fight to kill the sabre-toothed tiger before it kills them or (2) run away from the sabre-toothed tiger. Freezing, keeping very still, playing dead are also escape behaviours in the hope of not attracting attention.
So nowadays, when we get into a conflict that heats up, two typical behaviours emerge. The flight response: You withdraw, want to leave the room, end the conflict or simply get away. If your partner then chases you and wants you to resolve your conflict on the spot, you may feel cornered and your desire to escape will probably increase. Until you feel like you're about to burst. You may then switch to fight mode, behave in a hurtful way, become aggressive, criticise or even become dismissive. Or you fall into a state of rigidity and take the inner escape route - you withdraw emotionally, close yourself off, look in a different direction and stonewall.
How does the stress reaction arise in relationship conflicts?
The limbic system, which is responsible for processing emotions, is activated. Adrenaline and cortisol are released to prepare the body for quick action. The pulse quickens, breathing becomes shallower and the muscles tense up. We react to emotional threats in a similar way as we do to physical dangers. The mind often does not distinguish between an attacking animal and a conflict with a partner, as both can pose an existential threat. The fight-or-flight response often leads to impaired rational thought processes and a reduced ability to communicate clearly.
Where does the fight / flight response lead?
Where does this way of dealing with conflicts that end in a fight or flight response lead? Perhaps you are uncomfortable with the way you have behaved, you don't feel good about yourself. Or perhaps you have the feeling that you have "won" the conflict. At the same time, this means that your partner has supposedly 'lost'. Or you are hurt and have also hurt your partner. So where does falling into fight/flight reaction patterns lead you in your partnership? Towards the kind of partnership you want, or away from it? Closer to your partner, or further away from them with every escalating conflict?
What you can do
It is perfectly normal to be overwhelmed by these reactions at first when you find yourself in difficult situations. So if you find yourself in this text, you are a completely normal person. Perhaps you are asking yourself what you can do in future to avoid falling into a fight/flight response in a conflict. Here are a few ideas.
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Realise what you are thinking and feeling. What are typical situations that bring up thoughts and feelings that make you feel threatened? If you are aware of these in advance, you can recognise them more easily when they arise in a conflict and be better on your guard.
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Make a decision. When you recognise the situation, thoughts and feelings, actively decide against your instinct or inner urge and for your partner, the kind of relationship you actually want to have and the kind of partner you actually want to be. Firstly, create a distance from the thoughts and feelings you have identified. Even if you are already exhibiting fight/flight behaviour, you can decide to stop at any time.
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Think about what this decision looks like in concrete terms (again, preferably in advance). And as realistically as possible. For example, if your arousal level is already very high, a realistic plan is to take a break of at least 20 minutes and stop thinking about the conflict during this time. Tell your partner that you need a break and when you will be back. However, there may also be other steps that could be useful.
What is your typical reaction pattern when you get into a conflict and perceive it as threatening? What is your partner's? What patterns result from this for you as a couple? Would you like to do something to break these patterns? Contact me if you would like support with this. Also be sure to check out my next blog post, where I'll introduce another tool for dealing with situations where the fight/flight response is already underway.