Most of us are probably aware of the idea that if you don't invest into something, nothing will grow either. Think about things like education and work. Maybe sport too. A few of us hopefully also think about our own health. What many don't think about are their relationships. Perhaps because that often goes very well on its own at the beginning. That may be the case as long as life is easy and kind to us, and as long as we are freshly in love. But this is no longer the case when life becomes more challenging, and sooner or later it will be for everyone.
You have probably already invested in something in the past. Perhaps you went to university to get a good job later on. Perhaps you are currently investing in something in a recurring way, e.g. your health by exercising regularly. But what are you actually investing in your relationship? What do you do, what behaviours do you exhibit to make your partner feel loved by you? How do you act so that your partner knows that you are interested in them and how they are doing?
Nothing comes from nothing, really
A very common problem in relationships is that partners do not feel valued by each other. No wonder, for example, it can be difficult for young parents to fulfil the never-ending needs of their children, or partners experience work overload, or they are not feeling well themselves. And then they don't feel like catering to their partner's needs as well. Others already feel so hurt that they adopt an extremely unproductive attitude. That if anyone should invest, it should be their partner. Or they feel as if they are the only one investing in the relationship and stop doing so out of frustration.
When you think about the long-term consequences of these attitudes, does it move partners towards the relationship they want or further away from it?
Why it's important to consciously invest in your relationship
According to the research findings of Dr John Gottman, a renowned US relationship researcher, couples should spend at least six hours a week on their relationship. He has found that couples who invest these six hours a week feel an improvement in their communication, affection for and appreciation of each other, as well as their bond with each other. In short: these couples experience much greater satisfaction in their relationship.
How you can invest in your relationship
By hours invested in the relationship, we do not mean hours spent passively together, e.g. in front of screens. Rather, these hours should be a time of affection. Talk to your partner, show your partner your affection, do something together. This could be small daily routines together in the morning and evening, a couple's evening and fixed times when you talk about problems in your partnership. This time is needed and you will feel an increase in relationship satisfaction if you invest it.
To illustrate a negative example: Do you take two hours once a week for you and your partner, but your week is so full that this is really the only time you get to talk to each other that doesn't revolve around organising everyday life? Or there is tension in everyday life, perhaps conflicts that build up over time? What happens on this evening?
If you try to make the best of the evening by planning something positive, it may feel like putting on a good face. If you deal with pent-up conflicts with your partner, you may have worked through them (which is important!), but you certainly didn't have much fun during your only time together.
So it takes more than that. It takes time to work through conflicts, to be there for each other (e.g. in the form of stress-reducing conversations) and there needs to be time dedicated to having fun together. And it takes time every day to show in small gestures that you are there for your partner. Here there is an exemplary weekly plan from the Gottman Institute on how these times could be invested.
How is your relationship doing?
If you realise that your relationship is not going the way you want it to and you are looking for support to get closer together again, then let's talk about it.
I offer psychological counselling to help you develop new perspectives and solutions - whether it's about communication, appreciation or conflict resolution.
Send me a message with your request and we'll find out together how I can support you. Because investing in your relationship can be the first step towards more satisfaction for both of you.