You generally come across as self-confident; others would say that you know what you want and what you are capable of – and yet rejection feels as if the ground has been pulled out from under your feet. Or do you feel that your self-esteem fluctuates depending on the attention you receive from potential partners?
On-off relationships, relationships without commitment, affairs, a partnership that isn't working, being left or a relationship you ended. One person wants it, the other doesn't, or vice versa. Nothing is more complicated than relationships, and nothing is more beautiful than love. Let's clarify how rejection affects your self-esteem – and what concrete steps you can take now to stabilise it.
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Why heartbreak can affect our self-esteem so strongly
There are two important points at work when your self-esteem or self-confidence fluctuates depending on the attention of a romantic partner.
First things first: if you have been abandoned, ended a relationship yourself, or become close to someone who did not want to continue with you, it is deeply painful. This person was close to you; you revealed yourself – and they did not want you (anymore). I'm not emphasising this to put a finger in the wound, but to illustrate how desperate and painful a break-up is on a psychological level.
This can lead to the belief: I'm not good enough. The logic behind it: if I were good enough, he wouldn't have left me. Even if you were the one who ended the relationship. Because if I were good enough, he would have cared enough to work on our relationship so that I wouldn't have had to end it.
And that's not all. In addition to rejection, a lot has changed. Perhaps you have also lost an important person who supported you and stood by you in everyday life. Perhaps you have lost your daily routine; in any case, your current life plan has changed. Sometimes even your material or existential situation changes. It feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet – or as if you have shaken your own foundations.
Back to the ‘not good enough’ belief – once this has taken hold (which can happen unconsciously), we are in trouble. We are social beings; over thousands of years, our brains have evolved to ensure belonging and reproduction, and thus our survival.
A romantic relationship is often the strongest and deepest freely chosen connection we can enter into, and when we are ‘rejected’ or we turn away, this triggers not only the actual problems but also a deep fear and stress reaction that we have acquired in our evolutionary history. Historically, expulsion meant mortal danger – without a group, it was almost impossible to survive. Those who adapted well and recognised dangers early on had a better chance of passing on their genes and knowledge. It is with precisely these brains that we sit here today. Survival of the fittest.
This is where your mind comes into play. It does everything it can to restore a sense of security and predictability. People who have been rejected or abandoned, or who have ended a relationship themselves, often do things they would not normally do. On-off relationships, compulsive checking of social media, but also withdrawal and isolation. Reflect: do you recognise behaviours in yourself that don't really fit with your self-image?
Women in particular, who are otherwise ambitious, performance-oriented and well-structured in their approach to life, can find themselves in a deep conflict here. Part of you may just want to stay in bed, cancel everything and do nothing. At the same time, there is the expectation: ‘Of course, I will continue to function as before.’ You probably even know what the golden mean would look like, but you can't implement it.
Because that's the other part that can shake your self-esteem. Maybe you're constantly pushing your own boundaries in the hope of regaining attention or finally getting a commitment from your ex-partner – a dangerous temptation. Maybe you hardly leave your bed for days on end. Perhaps you spend all your time scrolling through feeds that don't interest you. And if these behaviours don't match how you actually see yourself, you'll be faced with even more difficult feelings. If your behaviour no longer feels in line with who and how you really are, this can also affect your self-esteem.
Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there are concrete steps you can take to stabilise your self-esteem again. Your current self-esteem crisis is a great opportunity to develop yourself and get more in tune with your desires and needs from the ground up. You don't have to walk this path alone. Support from friends, family (as long as they offer an empathetic, non-judgmental space) or professional guidance can be very helpful right now.
Stabilise self-esteem
Two points are particularly important for you right now:
Firstly: The fact that the other person did not see your kindness, or that you were not important enough to them to invest in the relationship, says NOTHING about yourself and your worth .
It says much more about what this other person values and what they do not, and what decisions they make accordingly.
On the other hand, by respecting yourself and your boundaries and taking responsibility for your part, you regain control and your strength. The question “Where can I make a difference, and how can I do that?” can help you with this.
When I talk about boundaries, I mean all the little things you do or don't do to respect your own needs and values. And thus to respect yourself, to give yourself worth . These can be small things, such as deliberately not looking at his profile today or consciously choosing to spend the evening on the sofa.
A stable sense of self-worth – the result of careful work
After a difficult breakup, good self-esteem does not just fall from the sky, but is the deserved reward for (hard) work. Reading the points I have outlined above helps – but they alone will not change your feelings . Instead, it is about:
1. Do not reject yourself in your sadness and hurt, but learn to accept yourself with all your feelings, from anger and powerlessness to despair and sadness.
2. Find a constructive way to deal with your thoughts – your mind is currently in withdrawal and needs guidance.
3. To see your own lovability (again) and appreciate yourself, especially here your own boundaries come into play.
4. Gain clarity about how you want to navigate this period of transition, how you envision your life, and what kind of relationships you want to have or clearly no longer want to have.
5. Find supporters – friends, family or professional support from a psychologist or therapist.
6. Implementing the above points in small, everyday steps.
It's not a process that happens overnight. Especially right after a breakup, when grief and doubt keep catching up with you, it can be easier said than done.
If you feel that you would currently benefit from professional support, I have put together a three-week email series that will accompany you twice a week with concrete, easy-to-implement ideas and help you take the first steps on your path to greater stability and a more sustainable sense of self-worth.
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A breakup therefore means not only the loss of closeness – often, everyday things that were taken for granted also disappear: routine, the familiar partner, the feeling of stability. If the belief 'I'm not good enough' creeps in (unconsciously) and you, as an otherwise successful, self-confident woman, find yourself behaving in ways that don't suit you at all, this reinforces your self-doubt.
At the same time, this period also presents an opportunity: step by step, you can build a new foundation – not hastily, but carefully and in accordance with what you truly desire. I would be happy to accompany you on this journey.
Take your first small step towards overcoming a break-up or rejection – towards greater stability in your self-esteem. Register now.