When the relationship is deadlocked - a tip

You're not doing well with one aspect of your relationship, and maybe you haven't been for a while. Or there is a current conflict. Yet all attempts to communicate this to your partner fail? Perhaps because talking about it leads to mutual reproaches, or both take a defensive stance ? And you feel helpless, and maybe even desperate, because your partner doesn't understand what you actually want to say? If the relationship is deadlocked, change is needed on both sides. And since you only have influence over your behaviour, it makes sense to take the first step and increase the likelihood that your partner will understand what you want to say after all.

When conversations between partners repeatedly end unproductively or even escalate it may be an idea to have these conversations in writing. So what you can do if you are suffering in your relationship in some way, but your partner doesn't want to hear about it, is to write a letter or an email. And you can increase the likelihood of finding an open ear by the way you express yourself in it. If the relationship is deadlocked, it's about gaining understanding for each other and averting mutual rejection rather than solving problems straight away. Some problems are not solvable, but staying in a good conversation with each other around that problem makes it much more bearable.

What helps when the relationship is deadlocked

But what can such a good conversation look like? And even more concretely: What can you consider in your first step to promote understanding? Here I have put together five criteria that can help you to formulate your request well:

1. describe yourself, not your partner

Write about how YOU are feeling, what is going on inside YOU and what YOU are feeling. Avoid describing your partner or even justifying your behaviour with theirs. Recognise for yourself that your perception is not the ultimate truth, but nothing more than your perception. This is almost certainly different from that of your partner. There are always two truths in a relationship. Also, stay specific and avoid generalisations.

So if the relationship is deadlocked, you can, for example tranform "Because you never help me, I don't want sex" to this: "I feel incredibly left alone and also sometimes overwhelmed with ... I'm lonely ... And I have the impression that no one sees what I have to do every day and what all has to be in my head, that it's almost worthless ... In the evenings I'm so exhausted and happy to finally stop being crawled on by our children that I just want to have my peace and quiet and a little bit of independence can find its place in my everyday life ... it makes me sad myself when I write it down like this ... Last Tuesday..."

2. write from your perspective

Even if you know your partner's perception and perspective and think you know what their attitude is to certain things, you shouldn't go into this at first. Stick to yourself and your perspective. The aim of this message is to make it easier for your partner to jump on your own train of thought and see things through your own eyes.

3. avoid criticism

And for this it is absolutely necessary not to fall into criticism. What happens when you describe your partner's character or nature in the form of criticism is that they will naturally immediately take a defensive stance. Anyone would do that, because nobody wants to be attacked and left undefended. So you boycott being understood when your partner has to defend themselves because of criticism. In extreme cases, their focus shifts from "it's interesting to read that, I didn't realise she felt that way" to "that's not true at all, I didn't/am not ... I don't need to read any further".

If there were (specific) behaviours of your partner from which you drew conclusions, then ask whether this came across correctly to you. "xy gave me the impression that you think/feel xy. Did I perceive this correctly or am I wrong?"

4. describe "the bigger picture", if appropriate

To what extent is a big life dream involved in the problem you have with your relationship? That has not been fulfilled? Or an important issue that you have or had in your life? Write about it if it fits the context. What are your big motivators in life, what have you dreamed of? To what extent does it play a role in how you feel about your current problem? e.g. "I didn't expect it to be like this ... I always saw us as xy ... "

5. take your time

Formulate your concern and then go through it using points 1 - 3. Is there anything there that could be taken as criticism? Are you describing your partner or yourself? Could any points be interpreted as insinuations? Is there anything you can do to encourage her to see things from your point of view? If you're happy with your wording at first, don't send it straight away. Wait a little, read it over again with a calm mind and then send it off. Perhaps choose a favourable time for your partner to send it. Also, choose a medium such as a letter or email rather than a quick messenger to encourage your partner to take the time to read, understand and write a reply.

So, if the relationship is deadlocked, you can try to break your dysfunctional pattern with well-chosen words. You may also find it difficult to name what is going on inside you. Or you don't even know where to start. I can provide you with professional support here. And accompany you with psychological counselling , here you can send me a message for this. What are your thoughts on this tip? Have you ever managed to break out of an unfavourable relationship pattern before? Feel free to share your experiences in the comments.