Gottman<\/a><\/span>, a renowned research couple from the USA, have spent years following couples in the laboratory and researching their relationships. This article is based on their valuable research findings.<\/p>\nTypes of conflicts in relationships<\/h2>\n
Some conflicts are of a temporary nature and arise suddenly, for example when an unexpected argument arises while shopping for a new lamp. More common, however, are recurring conflicts. For example, those that arise due to differences in everyday life and in the habits of the partners, but which could basically be resolved. Then there are conflicts that recur and cannot be resolved, such as the question of whether or not to have children, when partners have different needs in this area.<\/p>\n
More important than the solution<\/h3>\n
However, and this is the crucial point, it is not always the resolution of these conflicts that is the key to a fulfilling partnership. Focusing on solutions rather than problems is a good thing, but should only be focussed on as a second step. While not reaching an agreement on the desire to have children can indeed be a reason for separation, many other unresolvable conflicts are not necessarily so. It is much more important to develop a deeper understanding of your partner's perspective first. The ability to empathise with your partner and recognise that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' is essential.<\/p>\n
If partners in conflict situations immediately come up with a counter-argument for every statement made by the other person, which is then voiced, this is not a good basis for dialogue. Dealing well with conflict means making a real effort to understand what your partner is trying to say. It means responding to the other person's thoughts and feelings without immediately countering them with arguments. Trying to jump on the other person's train of thought and recognising that everyone has their own subjective truth. And, of course, everyone should be given time to share their own perspective.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Dont's: Behaviours within conflicts that endanger relationships<\/h2>\n
The Gottmans' research shows that couples who later separate display certain behaviours in conflict situations that occur less frequently or not at all in couples who stay together. Parents should therefore try to avoid these four destructive behaviours.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Critic<\/h3>\n
This does not refer to factual criticism that relates to your partner's specific behaviour. It's harmful criticism that devalues your partner's entire character (\"You're selfish\"). Such criticism creates helplessness in the criticised person - how are you supposed to fundamentally change or prove that you are not like that? Feelings of helplessness are often difficult to bear, and many people react angrily. Experienced criticism undermines positive feelings such as being loved or appreciated.<\/p>\n
Instead of voicing criticism, it is important to find a gentle startup to a conversation and to formulate it carefully. Refer to a specific situation, speak in the \"I\" form and state what you need. Instead of \"you are selfish\", for example: \"I feel sad when I see you packing your bag and leaving straight after work. I wish you would take a moment for me and ask me how my day went.\"<\/p>\n
Defensiveness<\/h3>\n
Defensiveness is often reflexive. Anyone who feels misunderstood or attacked defends themselves, sometimes even in their partner's behaviour (\"If you don't do it properly, I'll have to control you\"). However, defenciveness does not lead anywhere in conflicts, as it allows the partner's wishes and the criticism that is justified to bounce off. Instead, you need to take responsibility, even if only in part. Agree with your partner on the points that you can understand from their point of view.<\/p>\n
Contempt<\/h3>\n
Contempt is considered the most dangerous communication style. It humiliates your partner, destroys her self-esteem and dissolves love. Contempt can be shown verbally, e.g. through a sarcastic remark, or non-verbally through a shameful smile or a disgusted facial expression. Contempt is a great burden. Instead of describing your partner, you should focus on your own feelings and needs and express them. Try to establish a culture of appreciation and respect.<\/p>\n
Stone-walling<\/h3>\n
When the heart begins to beat faster during a conflict and the thought arises: \"No matter what I say, it won't change anything anyway\", and communication is avoided by remaining silent, looking away or ignoring, this is called stonewalling. Here it is important to learn to recognise whenever the level of arousal rises. Good self-awareness or a pulse watch can help with this. If the pulse is higher than 100, the focus should be on learning techniques to return to a calmer state. Otherwise the emotional connection will be lost, which will destroy the relationship in the long term.<\/p>\n
There is also a fith factor<\/strong>: Repair attempts<\/strong>. In contrast to the first four, this is inversely related to a high probability of separation. So if repair attempts are made, this has a positive influence on the relationship. You can try to interrupt harmful communication in order to reconnect with your partner, e.g. by making a joke, asking for a little time out or touching them. This acts as a buffer, even if harmful communication happens from time to time.<\/p>\nWhen partners learn to deal with conflicts in a respectful and empathetic way, and strengthen their friendship base<\/a> partnerships are deepened. The Gottmans' research shows that it is not about avoiding conflict, but about using it constructively to promote closeness and understanding in relationships. By avoiding the behaviours described and focusing instead on understanding, the basis for dealing well with conflict is created.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Erfahre, welche 4 Verhaltensweisen w\u00e4hrend Konfliktsituationen das Trennungsrisiko erh\u00f6hen, und was oft wichtiger als die L\u00f6sung eines Konfliktes ist.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2158,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-644","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-nicht-kategorisiert-de"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/644","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=644"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/644\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2190,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/644\/revisions\/2190"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2158"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=644"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=644"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nina-uffelmann.de\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=644"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}